Life is flipping hard. And sometimes it feels lonely - not because my problems are unique - but because it can be challenging for me to communicate what is going on in my brain.
I struggle between feeling like the things I wrestle with in my mind are insignificant and small but also huge weights that keep me from doing...anything.
And I think we can all agree that social media doesn't help. If Instagram wasn't so darn inspiring and Facebook informative (in that I can go to one place for all things), I would set myself free. But when I'm bored, distraught, low or need a time filler - I turn to social media. And then I see all the fun things that people are doing. Traveling. Enjoying their amazing jobs. Saving the world. Accomplishing. Accomplishing. Accomplishing.
Ugh. What is a girl to do?
I feel like I "should" be doing something bigger, better and more significant. A sorority sister wrote in my end of the year book that she was so excited to see all of the amazing things I was going to do once I graduated. And I've held on to that for almost 5 YEARS!! Holy shit, somebody save me.
Or maybe I need to save myself. Save myself from the expectations of others. Because when I stop and really sit with my life situation, it isn't all that bad. In the grand scheme of things - I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. My job isn't all that bad. I'm pinching pennies like a maniac so that I can build a savings and pay off debt. And I'm grateful for the few things I have. I'm really enjoying giving away stuff that is weighing me down but may be something significant to someone else. (OH! And it helps when you move because it only takes about a half a day if you live in a one bedroom apartment...so there's that).
So when is it enough? It was easy to grade my performance when I was in school because I got a nice little letter on a piece of paper that told me how well I was doing. Now...I have no freaking idea. And part of me is ecstatic to shed myself of the pressure of a letter grade. But on the other hand, it let me know where I stood in the world (well at least in school).
My guess is that it is up to me now. I can look out and keep seeking for praise from others but at the end of the day, if I can't pat myself on the back and feel proud of the life I'm living, then it won't matter what anybody else says because I will always be searching and never just living.